It's My Anniversary......



Those who know me are used to me being very transparent about almost everything. I haven’t blogged in a long time. I walk past my laptop every day and I hear it calling my name.  Writing is my therapy and Lord knows I need it now!!!  So, this morning, I poured a cup of coffee and logged on because I can’t put it off anymore!  Here we go….


I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and have concluded the reason why I’ve been so emotional is I’m close to a milestone. Next month it will be 5 years since I’ve been disabled. 5 years since I woke up that morning and couldn’t get out of bed. 5 years since the remnants of my horseback riding accident 10 years prior showed its ugly head for real! 5 years since I’ve worked.  5 years since multiple tests, taking large quantities of opioids, other drugs and spine injections. 5 years since the 1st of 3 surgeries.  5 years since I learned who had my back (excuse the pun) and who didn’t.  5 years since my life was forever changed!  I believe that is why I’ve been an emotional wreck!

A good friend of mine told me the other day that I should remember who I am and what I’ve accomplished. My first 51 years on this earth have been eventful (I’m 56 now), both positive and negative. On a positive note, I am a single mom, I’ve been a homeowner, an employee of a Fortune 500 Company for 18 years, an event planner for another Fortune 500 Company, I've played two rounds of golf at Pebble Beach, I’ve traveled many places,  a PTA member,  a caterer, a hair stylist (that will surprise some of you, but I am licensed), a blogger, a social media rep for a radio station, interviewed multiple recording artists, written multiple concert and album reviews, an editorial writer at a local newspaper (Board of Contributors member), a Debutante, an athlete (soccer, tennis, volleyball, softball and gymnastics), at 16 was an on-air reporter for high school sports on a radio station, a mentor, an informal foster mom, a campaign worker, a Legislative aide, a staff assistant for a Tony Award winning choreographer, and executive assistant!
Whew! My brain hurts trying to remember all of it! If I have to say so myself, impressive (you have no idea how hard it was for me to say that)! It felt good typing it out!  Understand why I cry over my current limitations?  My goal is to focus on the positive, instead of crying about the negative.  I have to realize I’m not the same person on the outside, but the same on the inside!
Now to capture the negative (I must get it out).  I’ve been struggling over the last couple of months in many ways. Nothing major has changed.  I still spend most of my days alone.  I’m still in daily pain, but nothing like it used to be. Arizona is really the best place for me to be for my spine condition. I still struggle financially – not much left over after paying bills, but I’m blessed that I receive disability payments.  Many are still fighting to get theirs. Health coverage has become my biggest challenge living in Arizona. I’m not eligible for the same coverage I was eligible for in NYS. I need to find a way to purchase supplemental coverage and still be able to eat. There are several things, especially rehab that I’m not able to afford now. I still do the exercises that my physical therapist in Rochester had me doing and I try to swim a couple of times a week.  I’ve always been that person to take care of things, for me and everyone else. Whenever I try to research health plans, I break down crying, close the laptop and hop in the bed (I told you I would be transparent). I don’t know why I shut down, but I do!  I still don’t have a car, but grateful that between Uber, my daughter and dear friend Cheryl (my AZ angel, one of my Franklin High friends from Rochester who lives out here now), I’m able to get rides, even using their vehicles when they are out of town. The alone thing is still an issue for me.  I miss having a man to talk to, watch basketball with, go to games, to go on dates with - companionship. And as always, I’m still a waterhead (my nickname because I can easily be brought to tears).  I miss the old Ella!!

So, what’s next?

My fairy Godmother suggested that I come home to be rejuvenated, be around loved ones, be loved on. She treated me to a plane ticket! I posted on Facebook yesterday that I would be coming home and there are many people who already responded. I think I need to use a calendar to keep track. I miss home from the bottom of my heart, but Phoenix is where I need to be.  I need to find a happy medium.  That won’t happen without actions from me.  So once November gets here, instead of crying about it (but I can’t promise I won’t), I plan to celebrate new beginnings. The fact that I will be home will make it even sweeter!

I’m coming home, y’all!!

EllaDean, Miss Ella, Auntie, Lou, Ma have made the Dean’s List

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