A 50th Anniversary Isn't Always Golden

For the last week I've been in a bit of a fog.  I've been somewhat nostalgic and a little weepy.....All of which isn't surprising for me. I've been overly sensitive my entire life. I've been going through old pictures and files trying to decrease clutter and occupy time (can you tell I'm bored?).  That's when I found the picture of my father's headstone....

My father died 50 years ago today!


He fell ill while he was cooking in his restaurant on Hudson Ave, on the corner of Wadsworth St. in Rochester, NY.  He drove himself to Genesee Hospital where they determined he had a heart attack. Being 6 years-old, I really didn't understand everything that was going on. In the 70's, children weren't allowed to visit patients in the hospital, so the only thing I knew was daddy wasn't home. 

This isn't a new topic for my blogs, but as I get older, it gets a little more emotional for me. One night, my mother and grandmother took me to the hospital to see him. We had to sneak in a side entrance and hide me in the hallway as we walked to his room. There were lots of tubes and machines making noise that were hooked up to my daddy. He was very still and wouldn't wake up when I was calling his name.  I remember someone lifting me up so I could kiss him goodnight. I wouldn't learn until I got older that I would never see him again.

We returned home after leaving the hospital. I remember there being a lot of people at the house, but for the life of me I can't remember who was there. We had a very large mirror hanging on the dining room wall that fell to the floor. While everyone was trying to hang it back up, the phone rang. I ran to pick it up before anyone else could, something I did often. There was a man on the other end saying he was a doctor from Genesee and needed to talk to my mother. Being a 6 year-old, living in a world of fantasy, I knew exactly why he was calling. I threw the phone on the floor and started screaming and crying. From that point on, I only have a few memories about it. I remember sitting on my Cousin Lawrence's lap in the funeral home (Lattimer) and asking him if he would be my daddy now, a role he stepped into and was a father figure, even though he was living in Florida, until the day he died, in my arms.  I also remember leaving the church, Baber AME when it was on Union St., in a limo, and headed to Mt. Hope Cemetery. It was a very cold January day and my mother wouldn't let me get out of the car at the grave site because it was so cold. I couldn't have realized in my wildest dreams how much his death would affect me today.

After his passing, I was left behind at our house on Bernard St. with my mother (who was Italian), 2 brothers (one who passed away in a motorcycle accident the same year my father died and the other who I attempted to visit when I visited Rochester a few months ago, but didn't work out) and a sister (all of which were also Italian from previous marriages). Other than my grandmother and my cousin Lawrence who I saw a few times a year, I never quite fit in and was the literal black sheep of the family.  It was an environment no child should have to live in. But the surprising part of it all, I didn't realize then that it was an unhealthy household. As I became an adult and memories started coming back, I became very bitter. As I sit here today writing this, 56 years-old, I still can't help but feel I was short-changed.  Why did God allow this to happen to me? Why didn't He give me a loving family? When I see other families who are very close and are there for each other, jealously is real. 

So, why did I just pour my guts out to all reading this? I would like to offer a little advice.......

Your situation may not be perfect, but you can do something about it. Surround yourself with positive people. Yes, family is important, but there are some cases where it doesn't work. Sometimes the best way to honor your family is to stay away from them (I refused to be called a ni%&er one more time!!!). Family doesn't always mean blood. Create your own family with people who love and respect you. 

But.....If you have arguments, fights, and issues with family members that are not life-changing, handle it! Make it right! Be the bigger person and apologize. Do anything in your power to move forward with your family. Never take family for granted! Be thankful you have family. Cherish the moments you have with them. Life is so short. Live and love like you are dying. Tomorrow isn't promised. 

A 50th Anniversary isn't always golden. I love and miss you daddy!

Selven Dean, Jr. has made the Dean's List